Why do some relationships thrive for a lifetime while others crack under the first real pressure? In this episode, Dr. Etel Leit shares the simple three-part check she gives every person who walks into her clinic, so you can know whether a relationship is built to last.
Why do some relationships thrive for a lifetime while others crack under the first real pressure?
Welcome to Emotional Biohacking with Dr. Etel Leit, your LOVE Doctor. People have been asking for years where her podcast is, so she finally opened up her clinic to you. To watch rather than listen, click HERE.
In this episode, Dr. Etel walks through the first tool she teaches everyone: the 3 V's. Values, Vibe, and Vision. It works whether you're single, dating, in a partnership, or even at work, because everything is about relationship, and everything is about love. Run the check, check, and check on the connection you're in right now.
In this episode, you'll learn:
✔ The 3 V's that act as the glue of every relationship
✔ Values: how to read someone's real values before you fall in (and why mismatched values lead straight to conflict)
✔ Vibe: why chemistry is really about scent, not looks, and the three-date rule before you walk away ✔ Vision: how to know if you actually see the same future
✔ Why the dopamine rush fades, and what to do so the relationship doesn't dry up like an unwatered plant
✔ The new moon meeting: a simple ritual to check your 3 V's on a regular basis
✔ Why thriving couples do the work before there's a problem, not after
You can't change anyone unless they're wearing a diaper. Vision can grow with a person, but you can't force it. Values, vibe, and vision are your foundation. If one floor isn't solid, the whole building falls.
If you're curious about how love really works, share this with someone who needs the 3 V's in their dating life or their marriage.
👍 Like, comment, and subscribe.
🔔 Subscribe so you never miss an episode of Emotional Biohacking with Dr. Etel Leit. Which of your 3 V's needs attention right now? Tell me in the comments.
Timestamps
00:00 Why I finally started this podcast, and who it's for
01:09 How to use this podcast and the library of tools
01:52 Today's tool: an intro to the 3 V's
02:44 What the three V's are, and how to check them
03:36 V #1: Values, and why mismatches turn into conflict
05:58 V #2: Vibe, why chemistry comes from scent
08:44 V #3: Vision, do you see the same future?
09:52 Why thriving couples check the 3 V's on a regular basis
10:25 The dopamine rush, and watering the plant before it dies
11:17 How to check the 3 V's: the new moon meeting
12:37 The foundation analogy and a word on love bombing
13:35 Share with three friends
#EmotionalBiohacking #DrEtelLeit #YourLoveDoctor #LoveDoctor #The3Vs
♥️ ABOUT DR. ETEL LEIT
Dr. Etel Leit, PhD, is a TEDx Speaker, 5× Author, and global voice on modern love and communication. Seen on CNN, FOX, NBC, and the LA Times, she helps people turn communication into connection through courses, keynotes, and transformational coaching.
🌸 CONNECT WITH DR. ETEL LEIT
🌐 Website: www.dretelleit.com
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dretelleit
🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dretelleit
🎙️ Podcast: https://www.dretelleit.com/podcast
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/etelleit
💼 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dretelleit
📺 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DrEtelLeit
Hi, Dr. Etel Leit here, as many of you know me, your love doctor.
So long people ask me, "So Etel, why don't you have your podcast?"
I can't even tell you how many people ask me, people that I'm in their podcast, on interviews, my clients, people who meet me, they wanna know where is my podcast.
And finally, I decided to open up my little clinic to you.
Sometimes I will be here alone just giving you my amazing tools from the clinic, from my work that I do for so many years with individuals, teens, families, and couples.
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Sometimes I will host people here,
people that you are very curious, to
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know a little bit about their love life.
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That's what we're gonna do.
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So, how to listen to this podcast?
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There are many ways.
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One is just go to my library
and see what tools do you need.
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I will also put if it's for singles
or people in relationship, in
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couples, so you know what tool to get.
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Although, I think that singles
get also the couples tools and
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couples get also the single tools.
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That will really help you in any
relationship, not only in partnership, but
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also at your work, business, and so forth.
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I also teach at MBA school, and
most of the tools that I teach
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in relationship, this is actually
what I teach at MBA school.
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Everything is about relationship,
as everything is about love.
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So the name of this
podcast is all about love.
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I would like to start today from
the basic, and this is what I teach
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every person who comes to my clinic.
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This tool, which is actually three
tools, will help you magnifying and
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really look on your relationship.
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Is that a relationship that
matches you, that is something
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that you really want to continue?
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Is that something that
matches your being right now?
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Most of us, and I used to do it a
lot, we just go with the flow, right?
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Somebody likes us, so we like them.
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We go on a first date, and if it's
successful, we continue, and if it's
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not so successful, we continue , which
I mean, we don't really get the cues.
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And even in a relationship, we
don't stop and hold and think,
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"Okay, so what really glue us?
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Listen to that, and this is the
first tool that I'm gonna give you.
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What are the three Vs
in this relationship?
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Literally, three Vs.
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We're gonna do a check,
a check , and a check.
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What are the three V's in any
relationship, which I'm going to go
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through every V, and you're going to
check it with your recent relationship.
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You can do it with your best
friend, you can do it with your
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future relationship, with the
partnership that you are right now.
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So it doesn't matter if you're
single, in partnership, want to be
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in relationship, or taking a pause,
which I don't recommend, we will
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talk about it in another podcast.
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What are the three V's?
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This is not only you to check if
those three V's are matching you.
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This is also for your partner.
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This is also for both of you
to sit and assess what is it
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for, mean this relationship.
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Are you ready?
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Okay, I'm gonna start right now.
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The first V, which is actually
the one that is really, really
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important, and it doesn't matter
where you are in the world, is values.
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Are your values really intertwined?
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Are your values similars?
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Is this person value similar to mine?
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Many people go into a relationship,
and they don't understand that the
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values of the person do not match them,
and then they want immediately to fix
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this person, to change this person, to
make something else of this person so
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they can soothe themselves, which is
actually a mismatch with their values.
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I'll give you an example, family values.
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You know the old joke of a person comes
to their parents and they say, " I met
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this person," and the parents usually
ask, "What does he do?" Or, "Where does
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he live?" Or, "Where's his parents?"
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This is all comes into his values, right?
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If you are a person that your main
value is all about family, you put
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family first, so you like to host a
family, and family means a lot to you,
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and Thanksgiving is with your family.
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The other person, family is not number one
to them, maybe it's something else, maybe
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it's friendships, maybe the friends that
he has are more important, this is going
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to be a mismatch, and this is where you're
going to start heading in conflicts.
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You will see challenges,
and it's not gonna work out.
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Another value that people
usually is about work.
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Some people value going to work from
9:00 to 5:00, then going home, then
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eating dinner together, then getting
the mortgage, then the children.
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What are your values in all that?
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So when you meet someone,
obviously, don't ask them right
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away, "What are your values?"
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But check their values.
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When you go on a date in a
restaurant, how did this person
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talk and speak to the waiter?
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Does he tip?
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Does he treat this person nicely?
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What's the value?
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Another example, when you drive
with this person, are they going
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to throw a little trash out of
the window, that's another value.
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And then the most important,
does it match to yours?
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When you feel confident with this
person values, I am telling you
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this relationship is all about
being successful in the future.
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Okay?
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So first check, check, we did values.
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Second V. Second V is about the vibe.
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Yes.
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It's all about the vibe,
and you know what I mean.
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Some people call it chemistry.
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Some people call it, " He did
it to me, and she didn't."
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It's really not about what we
think the Victoria's Secret
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model, it's not about that.
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Not all men are attracted
to blonde, blue eyes.
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That's not a vibe.
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Not all women are attracted to Ryan
Gosling, although I really like him.
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It's not about that.
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Men and women are attracted to scent.
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The vibe, the chemistry where
mammals comes from scent.
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That's why in many cases, I'm sure you
remember you like to hold something
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of a partner that you liked, like
to smell them after they leave.
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The same thing as babies.
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Babies are connected to their
mother through their scent.
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This is when they feel safe.
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This is when they feel loved.
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And scent doesn't necessarily
mean equal to everyone.
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How many times you put a perfume or
cologne that you didn't like, right?
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Or something that really came and
absorb in your body and you smell
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so good, and you feel good with it.
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Same thing with a partner.
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Are you vibing?
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So definitely it's the scent.
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By the way, also friends and best
friends forever vibe with the scent.
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It's very important.
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Or this is not really what did it to you.
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And I do not mean the scent
if they're clean or not clean.
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They can come clean from the shower,
and you don't like their smell.
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It's really about what is happening
when you're with a person to your body.
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Are you attracted?
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Can you feel it?
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I can't even tell you how many young
women and young men come to my office, and
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they tell me, " Etel, they're so amazing,
and they're great, but I don't feel it.
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But I don't want to let them
go because they're good.
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They're really, really great, and
that's gonna be a great relationship,
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and I know they're gonna love me."
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That's one of the three Vs.
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So I would say if you're not vibe
with the person, and of course at
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least, at least give it three dates.
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Do not just tell the person to go.
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That's a no.
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Some people ask me, "So
Etel, can the vibe change?"
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Yes, the vibe can change, but not
drastically to the point that you
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won't be able to vibe with a person.
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So far we have values,
we have the vibe, right?
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And number three, remember I told you
there are the three Vs into connecting,
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into making this relationship work, into
really being together so it will work.
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And the number three Vs
is all about the vision.
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Where do I see myself
going with this person?
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What do I vision with this person?
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For example, if one person wants three
kids and the other wants actually two
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dogs and a cat, that is not going to work.
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Remember we talked about values of a
family, one person wants vision by their
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values to be with a family, and the other
person wants to be with the animals.
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And I'm here not even judging
what is right and what is wrong,
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what you should or shouldn't do.
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It's not about that.
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It's about what do you see yourself?
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Sometimes when you're with a person,
for example traveling, and you
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never seen traveling, and all of
a sudden that's something in your
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vision, that will work together.
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The question is, is that something
that you can work together?
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So unlike the values which change a
little bit, vision can change with a
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person, but you cannot change anyone else.
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They wanna change by themselves.
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And always see yourself
where you're going together.
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I love when couples come to me,
there is this notion that used to
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be that couples go to couple therapy
only when they have challenges
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and only have to work on things.
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I can tell you that the couples that come
to my studio, and do the work, and come to
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my retreats, and connect, and check those
three Vs on a regular basis, guess what?
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These are the couples
who are so successful.
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These are the couples who thrive.
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These are the couples that
connect on a regular basis.
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Because what happens in the beginning,
in zero to six months, and sometimes
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it lasts for a year, a year and
a half, the dopamine rush is the
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state of your being with a couple.
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You love this person, you wanna
be with this person, this person
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hopefully wants to be with you, right?
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You don't have to convince them or
change them or try to do anything.
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But then things get in the way, and the
dopamine rush is kind of like dissipate,
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and if you don't do something about
it, if you're not going to work on
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it, if you're not going to water this
plant, this plant is gonna dry, and
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eventually the roots are going to dry,
and eventually this plant is going to die.
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And one of the ways to really enlight
and spark any relationship is by checking
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those three Vs on a regular basis.
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So how can we check those
three Vs on a regular basis?
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It's easy.
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It's easy if you do it not to
complain and not to whine, but
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really to sit down in a meeting and
say, "Okay, so where are we now?
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Where are we with the vibe?
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Are we going out and getting
dressed for each other?
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Are we changing our sex wardrobe?
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Are we doing things to spark
some vibe with the other person?"
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Cause yes, the other person is attracted
to us, the other person chose us to
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be their partner, but what do you do
on a regular basis to really bring
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this vibe again and not putting it
in the drawer and start wearing this
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pajama clothes all day long and be
tired at 7:00 PM and really not care?
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So what are you doing for this vibe?
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The V that we talked about
is the values, the first one.
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Sit down in a meeting, and
I know that many couples do
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it in New Year's resolution.
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I love to do it with the moon.
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Every new moon, sit down with your
partner and check what do we have
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with the values and the vision.
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This is something that
you can do together.
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What do we see for the next month?
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What do we see for the next year?
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Where are we?
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And this is where all the other
conversations will come up.
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So remember, these three
things are your glue.
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Without having a vibe, values, and
vision with a person, this relationship
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is not going to last so long because
the cracks are going to start.
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It's like having a foundation for a
building, if one foundation is not
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there, one of these floors is not
really rock, the vibe, values, and the
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vision, this building is gonna fall.
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So if you're in a relationship,
check those three Vs.
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If you're not in your relationship,
don't run after everyone that looks
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00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:15,003
good or promises you something,
and then you call it love bombing.
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Because for being love bombed, that's
another chapter that I'm gonna talk
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on, you have to agree to be there.
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Instead of complaining that
you're love bombed, check those
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three things with that person.
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Check those three foundation.
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If that's something that they
have, that's a go for you.
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If you have any questions,
you know what to do.
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So if you're like other people,
really curious about how love
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works, I want you to do this thing.
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I want you to share now with three
friends and make three check marks.
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Share with them this episode so
they can know also what are the
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three Vs to any relationship.
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Three, two, one.
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Let's do it.
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And then please subscribe to my channel
so I can bring a lot of people to how
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does love work, so many people will
know the little things behind it, and
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we can share the love with the world.
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Thank you.
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I'm Dr. Etel Leit, who is also
known as Your Love Doctor.
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Don't forget to like,
comment, and subscribe.